The year of the tiger in review
It’s a crazy and weird time to be human, and as a member of Planet Earth, you’ve miraculously won a lottery ticket to a freak show. Saddle up, get your raincoat and hand sanitizer, and thank your lucky stars that you made it through another wild and wacky year.
A long list of legends didn’t, so light a candle, sit Shiva, or say a prayer for Sidney Poitier, Angela Lansbury, and Loretta Lynn, among others.
It Could Have Been Worse
On a positive note, there wasn’t a nuclear Armageddon or a full-blown land war in Europe. And democracy almost died a few times but somehow the banks and grocery stores remained open despite the inconclusive reports by doomsday grifters on the Internet. But there was still plenty to complain about…starting with the continuation of the you-know-what of March 2020.
It’s been nearly a gazillion years since the start of the pandemic and people are still divided. Some are wearing masks everywhere – in the shower, by themselves in the car, while jaywalking across the street and narrowly dodging heavy traffic.
Others are living dangerously and heading out to battle the modern world without masks, testing their immune systems by licking doorknobs and eating supermarket sushi. Both sides are backed up by science, including the most trusted studies – peer-reviewed Facebook posts.
Canada experienced a shake-up when truckers protested the vaccine mandate by clogging up traffic and honking horns. Although the situation resembled a typical day in New York City, the government declared a national emergency and after court proceedings, democracy was a dying corpse that let out its last fart.
Russia invaded Ukraine, and the world was engaged and riveted for about five seconds until Will Smith slapped Chris Rock on national television.
At the Oscars, Chris Rock compared Will Smith’s wife Jada Pinkett Smith to Demi Moore, the impossibly attractive, highest-paid actress of the 90s. In response to his wife’s murderous side eye, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock into next week. Then he won an Academy Award, received a standing ovation, and partied all night.
Tom Brady announced his retirement, and the sports world wondered what life would be like living full-time in a mansion with a glamazon supermodel and cute nepo babies.
Testicle tanning trended on Twitter, which added another layer of awkwardness to office chit-chat and family functions with unfiltered relatives.
Tom Brady announced his return to football, ushering in more articles about his greatness that no one asked for.
Elon Musk threatened to buy Twitter, which caused a wave of fake outrage among media bobbleheads and also raised the blood pressure of Twitter employees.
The CDC tried to get people scared about Monkeypox, but coming off the over-reaction-to-the-pandemic fatigue, six reported deaths were not enough to cause a blip in the radar of public hysteria.
The baby formula shortage had parents scrambling while President Empty Suit blamed it on supply chain issues and Putin.
In the Depp vs Heard defamation trial, Johnny Depp, once the definition of cool, now looks like someone’s homeless aunt. The trial’s outcome proved without a doubt that both Heard and Depp are terrible at relationships and drug use; if they care at all about humanity, they should stay single for the remainder of their lives and delete their coke dealer’s number.
The Supreme Court overturned Roe v Wade. Shortly after, penis doctors reported an unprecedented number of vasectomies. Some decided to opt out of the team sport altogether, with 50% of the adult population choosing to be single, not far behind the 58% in Japan.
The long-term global fertility rate dropped to an all-time low. Experts placed the blame on dating apps and bitter singles blamed it on hot babes on the internet.
The House Select Committee conducted hearings on the January 6th insurrection, which proved that Rudy Guliani likes to drink wine and Trump suffers from high self-esteem. Broadway producers were reportedly looking for investors to produce January 6th, The Musical.
After announcing his resignation, Boris Johnson tried to distract the public by blaming his bad hair on the London weather.
President Biden was criticized for fist-bumping Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, but in his defense, the teleprompter got the name wrong and he thought it was some other guy.
Nasa released the first images of the James Webb telescope, but mankind took a leap backward when French scientist Etienne Klein admitted that his photo of a distant star was actually a slice of chorizo.
The FBI raided Donald Trump’s personal residence at Mar-a-Lago and seized classified documents. Political pundits now had weeks and months of manufactured outrage in the hope they could get more views than TikTok makeup tutorials.
Congress tried to look busy by printing a piece of paper called the Inflation Reduction Act, which they promised would fix the economy and save the whales.
Queen Elizabeth II died, which shifted people’s attention from the unofficial American royal Kris Kardashian complaining about her saggy earlobes to the UK monarchy across the pond.
Governor Ron DeSantis made headlines when he played a game of Migrant Whack-a-Mole by rerouting Venezuelan refugees to Martha’s Vineyard, the capital of limousine liberals.
National debt exceeded $31 trillion, and economists recommended that the government print a stack of trillion dollar bills and then take a 3-hour shame nap.
Elon Musk bought Twitter for $44 billion, causing Twitter employees to update their resumes and organize a prayer circle.
The Midterm elections exposed the bipolar state of the Union with a deluge of campaign commercials that made both sides look like a mildly entertaining freak show situated in a sewer.
FTX collapsed, and the company’s celebrity-stuffed Super Bowl commercial has arguably aged the worst of any ad in history. Investors wished they had actually listened to Larry David.
Trump blamed the underwhelming results of the Midterm elections on Ron DeSantis and then announced his 2024 presidential run.
When the World Cup began in Qatar, marketers theorized that American viewer ratings would increase exponentially if soccer stars played the game with their shirts off.
The talking heads predicted a Washington reboot starring the Republicans narrowly in control of the House of Representatives. They forecasted a well-worn playbook recycled from the Washington spin machine – investigate their political opponents, give the media months of talking points, and organize some hearings. Then the person in question will plead the 5th and the lawyers will take 30 percent. Rinse and repeat. Happy holidaze!
According to 2022 polls, affordable healthcare and inflation were the biggest concerns for Americans. Some were worried about the alarming jump in the price of junk food and others were still scared of strangers randomly sneezing in public. Processed foods might be worse for our health than a little mist of airborne snot, but how dare the grocery gods price gauge deliciousness.
In summary of another wild year, junk food addicts don’t look to Wall Street numbers to evaluate inflation but to the price of Cheese Whiz, which is currently $5.87. Pre-diabetes and heart disease be damned – 2022 and the sky-high cost of groceries can f*ck off. Ready for 2023?